The Unknown

“Come back here this instant!” Mom shrieks as she forcefully seizes my arm jolting me out of my reverie. She pulls me back.

“What, Mom?”

She says angrily, “You are NOT to go past the marker-boulders, under any circumstances and you know it. I don’t want you even close to them. I have been telling you this since you could crawl. Do it again and you’re going into the confinement chamber. Is that understood?”

“I didn’t go past the markers, Mom.”

I can’t stand it when my mom yells at me like that. Anywhere past the marker-boulders is dangerous because about fifty paces past them lies the abyss - which illuminates while we are awake and blackens when we sleep. The abyss is our only source of light.

With my head lowered, I turn around and walk back to safety. It gets darker and damper with each step I take. The persistent echoing of water droplets thumping the bare bedrock and the earthy damp smell signal to me that there’s nothing to fear.

My mom, dad, aunt, uncle, and little sister all normally wake after the abyss shows its first light. I’m always the first one awake. Shortly after I wake, I watch the blackness disappear on the abyss; it’s the most extraordinary part of my day. A stunning transition, the hue of the abyss transforms from complete darkness to light. It’s captivating. I edge as far forward on the marker-boulder as possible to catch the finest glimpse of this magnificent phenomenon which perfectly coincides with my waking schedule. There’s something about that light that makes my belly hum.

My little sister is eating grubs and roots like usual. She was watching mom scold me. Without thinking she says, “Mom, what happens if you walk all the way to the abyss?”

Mom’s face is suddenly painted with anger and panic. She hurries over and smacks her daughter across the face so hard that it knocks her little body to the slab. The sound of the slap seems to echo endlessly and suddenly my stomach feels like it’s tied in a knot.

“Don’t you even talk about the abyss, do you understand me?” Mom says to her daughter as she beams her eyes at me as if I were responsible.

Having been the recipient of that same slap a hundred times before, I turn angry and emboldened. Locking eyes with my mother, I repeat her question, “Yeah, what happens if you go all the way to the abyss?”

Realizing that she can’t treat me like a child anymore, Mom pulls me aside and tells me the story: the same story I’ve heard a million times before.

“The abyss is unknown. Nobody knows what the abyss is capable of, or who or what is guarding it. In my whole life, nobody has ever gone past the marker-boulders. Back here, we know that we have food to eat, water to drink, and that we’re safe. Can’t you understand that? What’s wrong with you? Now, stop talking about it.”

I turn away.

When I next wake in blackness, I direct my attention to the abyss awaiting the appearance of the soft light. With everyone else sound asleep I sit on the marker-boulder, pondering. At the sight of the first trace of light, I feel the humming sensation in my belly once again.

Everything I know to be true tells me that if I even approach the abyss, I will most certainly meet my death. However, the humming sensation within me gives me the feelings of peace, power, and possibility all at once. I begin to notice that feeling more and more. What does it mean?

With my heart thumping, and adrenaline coursing through my veins, I decide to take a step past the boulder-marker. I look around. Good, everyone is still sleeping. I take in a deep breath, gather all the courage I can muster and take one step past the boulder-marker. I look around. I quickly step back to the boulder. Nothing happens.

I sit on the boulder thinking about what had just taken place and I realize that I learned something I could not unlearn. After taking one step away from safety, I am still safe, or at least it appears that I am safe.

Upon waking time after time, I secretly repeat this experiment. I try two steps. Then I try three. With each step I take past the boulder-marker, the abyss appears slightly larger and brighter which compounds my fear and my courage. With each step toward the light, I still remain unharmed.

I become more aware of the humming sensation within me. One moment my inner voice is warning me of extreme danger making me feel sheer terror and anxiety, the next moment the inner voice ceases and I feel peace, power, and possibility in my gut. Which should I listen to? How can I trust the humming feeling in my belly above all else I know to be true?

Time after time, I secretly move one step closer to the abyss and then run back again. I am drawn to the light yet the voice in my head continues to warn me of the danger.

One day I realize something. I realize that I would rather die than live my entire life not knowing what it was like to step into that light. At that moment, I decide at next light I will venture all the way to the abyss.

With my nerves rattling and my mind racing, I cannot rest. I sit in a sleepless eternity filled with darkness. Finally, at the first hint of light I stand up. I begin to walk slowly toward the abyss, unsure if I am soon to meet my death as my inner voice continues to promise. The farther I walk, the bigger the light seems to grow and the rock and sediment surrounding me seems to shrink. I am bursting with fear, courage, uncertainty, and faith all at the same time.

The appearance of the abyss changes as I get closer. I notice distinctive colors that I could not see before, however my focus is still on the fear of what might happen to me at any moment.

After taking step after step, I finally reach the edge of the unknown. My hands are shaking. This is it. I am closer to the abyss than anyone has ever been before. Looking down, my feet are still planted in the shadow but the bright light shining on the bedrock is but one half-step in front of me. I brace myself. I hear my heartbeat thumping in my own ears. I do not know what to expect. What will happen? Will I be eaten? Will I fall into the abyss for eternity?

I have come too far to turn back now.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and fully step into the light. With eyes tightly shut, I pause for a few seconds as if conceding to the unknown force that kept me and my family in fear for our entire lives. Still nothing is happening. I continue to pause. I slowly open my eyes and soak in the entire landscape. The fear evaporates from me as I stand looking out. I am hit with the realization that there is no abyss; there are no monsters.

For the very first time in my life, I feel alive. At this moment, I am a different person. Everything untrue in my life has vanished.

“Right now, my life begins.” I say aloud.

My mind cannot register all of the colors, shapes, and dimensions I am witnessing. I look down past my feet to see an inviting hillside that I can use to tread comfortably to the green valley below; so I start my carefree descent to the bottom of the hillside.

I walk in freedom. All of my senses are overwhelmed. The colors are so clear, bright, and vibrant. The air is clean, fresh, and absent of the moist and earthy aroma I was used to. And the air moves! I feel it on my skin for the first time. I feel my hair moving from the air rushing past me. Gone is the constant echoing of dripping water.

After spending some time intoxicated from the landscape, I allow all of the preceding events to sink in. Wanting to give this precious gift of freedom to my family, I run up the hillside and stand at the entrance of what used to be my home. I am reluctant to step all the way in and leave the light that now feels so comfortable. I can see my family moving around deep in the shadows.  I shout to my mom with excitement, “Hey Mom! There’s no abyss! There’s nothing to fear. C’mon out! Bring everybody!”

As if shouting back at a complete stranger mom yells at me, “Get out! What have you done to my son? Go away!” And I see her scramble even further into the shadows.

Saddened, as I start to turn away, I hear the little voice of my sister, “Is that really you?”

I shout back to her, “Yes, it’s really me.” Wanting to share my newfound wisdom with her but at the same time understanding that she must overcome the unknown all by herself, I shout out loudly and clearly, “Have faith in yourself to see past what is not real.”

As I walk down the hillside, I say aloud to myself, “It’s time to find my new home.”